Changing Perspectives

Well when I started doing my morning pages it seemed they were serving as an ongoing to-do list. As my pen flowed across the page my scribblings were about all the things that needed to be accomplished in the day. (The load of laundry, writing a thank you note, picking up milk...) They also included ramblings of all the things that happened the day before. (I had a headache, I finished my database, called sue…) Honestly I didn't feel like the pages were moving me in a forward direction with my creative brain. It's more like they were simply keeping my logical side even more in order. No way were these pages doing anything positive for me except forcing me to write more bullet statements and lists.

But now they seem different. As each set of pages are started I feel a little bit of a change in my writings. I'm beginning to think and write more and more about my artistic wants and needs. I've been revisiting creativity thoughts that I had tucked away a long time ago. Tucked away because it wasn't a convenient time to "play" with my art interests. Or the ideas just seemed too silly or worthless to pursue at that time. Money was an issue. Not necessarily because it was one -- but because I seemed to make it one. Just another excuse to not act on my thoughts.

I'm still having to deal with the negative little voice in my head telling me I'm wasting my time, or just dreaming, and that I'm being unrealistic to even think about approaching my art in a serious way. I'm trying like crazy day after day to push that little critter out of my thoughts. And the morning pages are helping me to take notice of those thoughts. This critter or maybe it’s a big creature… had become such an engrained and controlling part of me, that I didn’t even noticed the impact it was having on me.

Although I don't really enjoy seeing this in front of me so boldly, or admit that I've been very harsh on myself... it's actually good for me. Good for me to recognize it, I mean.Taking the time to actively see/hear this voice in my head helps me to consciously re-address those thoughts from a more positive perspective. Taking notice of the personal put downs and excuses is encouraging me to umm... well, encourage me.

As I'm writing my morning papers I'm starting to recognize and see ways to get around those stumbling blocks or those brick walls I kept putting in my own way. When I notice that critter popping back in with another, "you can't do that!" -- I'm writing out an opposing, "Oh yes I can! And with more powerful force than you'll ever be able to manipulate!" It's like I'm debating away my excuses of the past as each one surfaces.

I'm guessing that when the day comes for me to take a peak back at the morning pages I've written, I will find myself a bit changed. I'm feeling like I'm going to like seeing the transformation that's taken place. I say that because I'm already starting to like the new artistic me that's emerging.